The worst thing a man can
hear from his beloved is “Honey, sniff sniff, I’m pregnant, we are going to be
having a beautiful baby!” She probably thinks getting herself pregnant is the
best way to keep you to herself. Perforating the condoms with pins and
secretly coming off the pill are classic methods of ruining your life but these
days we have a secret weapon, THE ABORTION!
Diamonds might be a
girl’s best friend but an abortion is a trusty stead in a moment of panic to
restore a man’s life to balance and equilibrium. We are going to show you how
to take care of unwanted babies.
Throw away your condoms
and pump away comrades! The age of the abortion is upon us which means no
longer do you have to sacrifice that wintastic feeling of barebacking her
without a hat on. Bang her and fire as much protein shake up her snatch as you
like, it doesn’t matter because you can make her have an abortion.
Some have said that the process of
having a baby is one of the most beautiful things in nature but that’s fucking
bullshit. She is going to be pushing a watermelon through a hole the size of
your willy and there lies the problem, something has to give. It’s not
uncommon for her gash to actually rip apart in order to let the fucking thing
out. This has implications, next time you fuck her, it won’t even touch the
sides so you’re probably going to be stuck with sticking it up her ass. Oh
yes, anyone like stretch marks?
What if the dumb fuck
wants to keep it? Well get ready guys, there’s going to be tears and screaming
but you have to be strong and make her understand it’s all her fault. True, it
takes two to make a baby and a good shot of baby batter from your creamstick,
but it’s her responsibility to take the morning after pill to kill any life in
It’s good to practice safe sex and
the top tip for avoiding unwanted junk is to have a quiet word before
going up in side her. The threat of death generally guarantees a meeting of
minds and an understanding of what your expectations are.
So what are the ways of
killing the unborn? Spin the wheel is the answer to that one, there’s so many
to choose from. Some methods you can do together as a family and some need to
be booked at the local butcher’s shop. Regardless of the method you choose, it can be a great night in
or a fun day out. One method would be to just stab the cunt to death and get
rid of them both.
Well this is pretty much
a vacuum cleaner only 30 times more powerful. They stick a suction tube with a
scraping tool on the end of it up her foof and press play. If they forget to
numb her first, you can have a good wank to her screams as all the fragmented
foetus and placenta fly up the tube.
DILATION AND CURETTAGE
This is pretty much as
above except the end of the sucker is a sharp slashing and cutting tool which
hacks the unborn up so it exits more easily. One problem with this is it can
cause damage to her box, resulting in a nasty infection and causing her to
become a liability as opposed to a washing/fucking machine.
After about 12 weeks the
fucking sprogg will start to grow so they need to call in Mr Scissors! A sharp
pair of forceps is wedged up her to tear the baby’s limbs off so they can be
pulled out. After the arms and legs are in the bin the head is crushed and
pulled out. When all that crap is out of the way the torso and other gooey
bits are ripped out. Looks like sushi.
This ones great as it’s
used when the baby is fully formed. Using forceps they drag the child out so
that only its head is wedged up the trout’s mouth, the rest of the baby is
dangling out of her whilst it’s still alive. Using a pair of scissors, (yes Mr
fucking scissors again) a cut is made at the base of its skull. The brains are
then sucked out causing instant death, allowing it to be removed in one piece.
CONTRAPTIONS! Yes filling her full of some kind of pharmaceutical wonder drug
can cause the birth to start immediately. They say the contractions can be so
violent that they decapitate the baby as it comes out. If it manages to
survive that, there’s a good chance you’ll get to see it drop out of her fur
burger and break dance on the doc’s operating table as it gasps its last
breath. Now that’s a fucking show!
SMOKE, DRINK AND
TAKE CLASS A DRUGS
That’s not hard as they
are three things we all enjoy doing. Getting wrecked every night and filling
one’s blood with toxins will poison the critter. Heroin, excessive alcohol and
some Cuban Cohebas should do the trick.
It’s the World Cup final
and you have to take the penalty shot that could win the tournament and
immortalise you and the team forever if only you kick the ball hard enough.
Actually, it’s your pregnant fuckbuddy and you’ve got her tied to a tree with
her legs open. You know what to do, take a good run up and swing that leg like
your life depends on it. Splat!
If your car gets stuck in deep mud then a tow
rope is what you need. A pregnancy is very similar to a stuck car in the sense
that you got to pull the cunt out. Loop the rope round the kid and as your
driver hits the gas, jump on her guts. It’s head might get ripped off but at
least its dead.
A homebirth classic,
this is a simple method where you stick a sharp metal object up her minge and
thrash it around till stuff starts dropping out. This is cheap, safe and
Who likes gardening? Yes,
me too. Lay the bitch out on the floor and dig the little bastard out through
her stomach. After you’ve managed to dispose of the miniature, use the
mother’s hollowed corpse as a grow bag for your tomatoes.
SNATCH AND GRAB
Keeping things simple can be the
best way. Most girl’s like to be fingered and this is similar except your
whole arm goes up her meat chute. Slide your hand up and push past any
resistance. When you get about shoulder deep you should be at the right place.
Now grab as much as you can and pull your arm out. Your unborn should now be
disposed of or made into a shake.
If you put your hand on the mothers stomach you might feel or even see the baby kicking, it’s an amazing feeling to think there’s a life in there. Now you’ve located the child, stick it with a collection of kitchen knives and kill it.
After it’s all over you
can look back and reminisce about your experience. A good idea would be to
keep a reminder of your adventure and keep the dead baby. Get an airtight jar
and fill it with formaldehyde, then put the baby in the jar for a nice
mantelpiece feature or a great paperweight. Why not buy it a Christmas present
every year like a new jar or play the home video of its execution on its
birthday and watch it together as a family.
Don’t forget the
grandparents. Take it round so they can see the grandchild they never had and
remind them that their family line won’t continue, but will end in a glass
jar. Smash the jar over one of their heads and make the other one eat the
corpse. Show them the other ten jars of the other aborted children they’ll
never see grow up and save their grief and misery for your wank bank.
Every man has his moments of
weakness and you might be stupid enough to actually let her talk you into
keeping it. Even if the creature’s room is decorated and occupied it’s still
not too late to abort. There’s a few cheap, fun and quick ways to get the
fucking thing dead.
You got to be
a man of action and get your shit locked down quickly. Before anybody gets
used to having ideas about keeping it, you got to kill it quick. Get a shoe in
and stamp the bastard to death but just make sure you do the job properly so
the docs on the ward don’t bring it back to life.
cooking round a fire is a great way to get in touch with nature and…. yes,
fuck that, just find a private enclosed location to spit roast it for about
nine hours so it’s cooked through. Stuff an apple in it’s mouth and herb
stuffing up its ass to maximise flavour. Drink red wine and enjoy a miniature
long pig before you celebrate with a nice fuck.
You’re flicking your bean and all
you can hear is the fucking baby screaming its head off. The fact you haven’t
fed it in three days might be the problem so you are going to have to take a
break and shut it up. Baby food is specially formulated to give it all the
goodness and nutrients to help it grow big and strong. Dog shit, broken glass
and drain cleaner are the three main ingredients of good quality baby food so
get it fed and carry on.
After the baby is born you will
suffer from stretch marks, saggy tits and a body a forty year old, blind
virgin wouldn’t fuck. Waste no time, tone up again. Boxers have the most
ripped bodies of all sportsmen so take up the training regime of a boxer. Hang
your newborn from a rafter like a punch bag and give it everything you’ve got
until it’s reduced to a bloody rag. Bare knuckle training with rings on your
fingers will reduce your baby to bits in no time at all.
Abortions are funny, sexy
and a good excuse to watch some dude in a white coat fuck your girl with a
vacuum cleaner and a toolkit. The DIY option allows you to enjoy a bit of
mutilation, screaming and role play. This is a new age, an age where the
consequences of our actions are no longer a worry, no longer a problem. Choose
life, choose an abortion!
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