This is a very embarrassing story
about me when I was a stupid teenager, not that much different from a lot of
people’s drinking stories, but with a twist of lemon. This all happened when I
was 18 years old. I had dropped out of high school twice by this point,
ditched a lot of my friends because I was a selfish idiot and generally didn’t
give a fuck about anything. I hardly ever ate anything and was skinny as fuck,
showered maybe once every three days, took a shit load of drugs and smoked
like a chimney. I didn’t have any prospects for the future. I just followed
every impulse I had. I stole hundreds of dollars of stuff from the gas station
I worked at. I stole shit from my parents. I shop lifted. I’m sure lots of
people have been through a phase like this and I feel very sorry for all of you.
Basically, I was a creepy, disgusting and smelly fuck that almost no one would ever let their
daughter be friends with. Upon getting to know me, you would probably never
want to see me again.
However, there was one exception to this rule.
My ex-girlfriend who I had broken up with
about 4 years earlier was my only (and best) friend. It seemed like no matter
how strange, fucked up, depressed or disgusting I ever became, she loved me
for who I was. Yes, it was one of those “You are the best guy in the universe
but I’m not dating you” type moments where we were best friends and single,
yet nothing seemed to happen. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call her Alice. She
was a bit shorter than me, had huge tits, amazing red hair, a great figure and
was just wonderful. And I loved her and always wanted to be with her.
Now, the trouble was that I hardly
ever saw or talked to Alice, because I was a sociopathic nut case. I hadn’t
seen her for about three months, until one day, I get a call from her. She
told me how she was sad we hadn’t seen each other for a long time and that I
should come to an 18th birthday party with her. One of her friends who I
didn’t know was the birthday girl.
Now, 18th birthday parties mean
booze, so I had no reason not to go.
On the other
hand, I was trying to clean myself up at this point, so I thought it would be
a good opportunity to show Alice how organized and motivated I had become
(actually I hadn’t changed at all). Even though she loved me (so she said), I
always thought the reason that we weren’t together was because I was smelly
and gross. I decided that at this party, I would straighten my act up, look
clean and act as charismatic and sociable as I could, and hopefully impress
her friends as well.
So really, all I actually did was
shower, shave, do my hair up and wear some nice clothes. BUT no one would see
the truth about me, that truth being that i was a creepy piece of shit. At
least I wasn’t wearing some pants stained with mustard and semen or a singlet
with cigarette burn holes in it.
So anyway, I showed up at Alice’s
house about 3 hours before we had to go to the party and she is all “Ooh how
I’ve missed you” and “Wow you look really good tonight!” I was feeling
optimistic at this point. Hopefully tonight would be the night when my boyish
charms would finally get through to her and we could fuck like rabbits.
So, we are
hanging around Alice’s house for the next couple of hours when her mom shows
up. Now, Alice’s mom is simply awesome. She liked to cook awesome food, tell
us funny stories, but most of all, she liked to drink. So she comes storming
in this great mood telling us how great we look together and that we should
have some alcohol. She brings out two bottles of wine.
So we started drinking.
We talked about a lot of funny
shit and laughed a lot. Between the three of us, we drank four bottles of
wine. This was a great start to the evening.
Eventually, the time came around
where we had to go to the party. So off we went.
We were a bit more than tipsy by
the time we got to the party. When we got there, I realized that there was not
a single man there. I was the only one. Most of the girls there were quite
attractive, contrary to my drawing abilities. What do you call the opposite of
a sausage festival? I don’t know, but this was one of those. And I had a
If I didn’t end up getting the
chance to bed Alice after tonight, then I could move on to the twenty or so
other girls that were there.
So anyway, I was at a party with
my best friend, lots of hot teenage girls and plenty of alcohol. It was
LOTS OF VODKA
I was having a really good time at
this point. I was chatting a lot to the girls, feeling super confident and was
Now, this is when the shit started
to hit the fan. I’m sure a lot of you now are thinking, “I go out drinking
with hot babes all the time? What’s so interesting about all this” or “I DRINK
8 GALLONS OF ABSINTHE A DAY!” Just be patient.
A girl shows up late to the party.
She looks like some kind of a hippie, with pretty loose clothes and some
armpits hairs. After greeting everyone and exchanging some chit chat, she sits
down in a chair and starts rolling a joint.
I have a bit of a history with
marijuana and other illicit substances. Most of the people I’ve seen that
smoke weed seem to chill out and have a good time. Although occasionally when
I smoked it that would happen, half the time I would become extremely anxious
and start freaking out inside of my own head. I’m one of those guys that has
problems with marijuana. Yet, despite this, I continued to smoke it whenever I
got the chance. As pissed as I was at that point in time, I figured that I
would be ok if had some.
Now, lots of you crackheads out
there will know that smoking marijuana after getting drunk is a bad idea. You
are right. But that wasn’t the real issue here. The real issue was that I was
host to several mental problems at this point of time in my life, most notably
a profound anxiety which was the cause (or consequence) of a lot of my life
problems. Smoking weed didn’t help out in this department. In fact, it really
fucked my head up a lot.
Actually, being drunk was a bit of
an issue too. Uh oh!
I asked her if I
could have some and she said yes.
After I’d finished smoking, I sat
down into my chair and relaxed for about five minutes. I didn’t seem to notice
anything going on at this point in time. I’m sure people were chatting and
having a great time, but I was totally lost within my own head. Yup, I was
getting stoned. And I’m drunk. This is bad.
About ten minutes
after I had smoked my joint, I started to feel the drunk/stoned sickness
mixture starting to come on. Everything in my field of vision started
swirling, and everything I saw looked like it had coloured sparks flying out
of them. I felt that something was really wrong, and this is the point where I
started to freak out. I looked at my hand at the sparks were coming out. I
felt like if I didn’t do something immediately, then I was going to die.
I desperately pulled myself up out
of my chair and stumbled my way across the room. I knocked over a chair as I
tried to move past it. I ran outside and started pacing back and forth, not
being able to shift my conscious thought away from something very bad
happening. I felt like I was going to fall to the ground and be absorbed into
it as my body melted. I was very, very afraid.
I felt like an idiot for smoking
that joint. Oh how I wish I wish I wish I didn’t smoke that joint. That was
Eventually I got to a point where
I knew that I was going to throw up eventually, so I tried to make my way to
the bathroom. I found it with great difficulty, flung open the door and ran
towards the toilet, getting a firm grip around it in preparation for the
I sat there for one minute… then
two… then five minutes. Nothing happened. There was something amazingly
comfortable about sitting there with my hands on that filthy toilet seat, and
my chin hanging over the edge of it into the bowl. I sat there for quite a
while and all of my fears and anxiety started to disappear into nothingness.
All I wanted to do was sit there with my head in that toilet bowl.
Now, being extremely anxious,
drunk and stoned at the same time is pretty difficult to describe. After
sitting there trying to avoid the outside world for a long time by keeping my
head inside the toilet bowl, I was starting to feel like I needed to take a
shit. So I slowly took my head out of the toilet bowl, pulled my pants down
and sat down on the seat. It felt like there was a football up my ass, and I
tried to squeeze it out, but I was feeling way too weird from all of the
drunkenness and stonedness to be able to squeeze it out. I sat there for a
while, staring at my crotch and tripping out. None of this was at all
I apologize if the story frightens
you after this point.
While sitting there in that toilet
seat and my brain failing to rationally think properly, I remembered that one
of my favourite things to do while stoned was to masturbate. Masturbating
stoned (and I’m sure doing any sort of sexual activity stoned) just feels
totally amazing. It was something I made a point of doing every time I smoked
some weed. As creepy as it sounds, at every party I’ve ever been to and gotten
stoned, I’ve gone to the toilet to have a wank. If I was discrete about it, no
one would ever know. Seeing as I was already in the toilet, I decided that I’d
have a tug while I was there.
As I was sitting there tugging
away and drooling, I started to feel the stoned/drunk sickness coming on
again. It must have had something to do with putting all the effort into
vigorously jerking off while I was barely able to stay balanced on the toilet
seat. Everything started to spin again. Yet, at the same time, I was having
the best jerk in the universe and nothing was going to stop me.
So there I was on that toilet
seat, drunk, stoned, feeling like I was going to vomit, with a huge shit up my
ass and jerking off.
I came. And vomited. At the same
time. All over my crotch.
On top of feeling very strange by
all of the chemicals in my brain, the resulting sensations of ejaculating
while vomiting sent a shockwave through my body which cause me to spasm with
such intensity that I pushed myself off of the toilet seat. As I was doing
this, my bowels let loose and the stickiest, thickest shit I have ever had in
my rectum forced its way out like in a long segment of Play-Doh coming out of
the cookie cutter mold. Combined with my launch from the toilet seat, the shit
smeared itself all over the seat and on my bare ass.
To conclude this ultimate act of
humiliation, I fell to the tiled bathroom floor drunk, stoned, drooling,
unconscious, covered in my own shit and vomit, with visible driblets of semen
on the bathroom floor and on my crotch and penis mixed with vomit at an all
And that concludes the story of
the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
Actually, I’m just kidding. It
I didn’t close the door.
It was open the entire time.
By the time I was finished
covering myself in filth, every girl at the party was either watching through
the door, or screaming in horror in the next room about how horrible this was.
Apparently, some of the girls were yelling at me while I was busy, but I was
too intoxicated to notice. I shiver to think what they were yelling at me that
entire time. To say that everyone’s evening was ruined is an understatement.
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