Animals are a fantastic natural resource and there are more of them than there are us which means they are not likely to run out. We are going to show you how to get the most out of the animal kingdom by utilizing all they have to offer. Beasts of various shapes and sizes have been given to humanity as a gift so it's our duty as superior beings to dominate them and use them to our benefit. Welcome to the 9th Lolokaust guide to Animal Cruelty in MSpaint!
As usual we have consulted experts in all fields of animal cruelty. In our guide will be some ratings by the Lolokaust bunnies. These have been tested on so there’s no chance of any danger to human beings. These bunny ratings will help you get the best out of our furry friends.
Over time we have found cures for many diseases like cancer and aids by injecting drain cleaner into the eyes of fluffy white bunnies. More importantly we have improved cosmetics so that our sluts can cover their faces in shit and not run the risk of make up eating their face away like acid. Animal rights protesters, (god damn hippies) target centres of animal research and victimize scientists but if they actually stopped talking to trees for a moment and found out about the vital data collection vivisection science provides us with, then they might stop fire bombing them. Only when you have an insight into what animal testing accomplishes do you realise how important it is to support their work by deliberately buying products that have been tested on animals.
Ohio USA. Proud white males are trying to mix the true Christian paradise and scientific research. How? Feeding dirty wogs to cows to study the poisoning power of the lesser race. Clean holes are done on each of the beasts stomachs to study the process, the result being a darkish tar useful to make roads or to maintain ye olde tradition of tarring and feathering. We can hardly think how awful it must be being soaked on hot negro entrails. Untermensch's guts are spared since an accidental pregnancy between dr. zaius' minions and a ruminant could create a monster worse than any Troma movie creature. Want to know more? Type in 'cow hole side' in jewtube for more information.
We all like our ladies to look good for us. If I'm raping a slut in a public toilet, I like her to wear mascara so that as she cries, it runs down her face. I don't like to see too much make up either because I don't fuck clowns. Animal testing cosmetics means a larger diversity of face paint can be produced and new products can be developed for this market. You would be amazed what you can learn from stamping on a puppy’s scrotum. Eye draize tests are a crucial part of cosmetic safety testing.
PART 2: RECREATION AND REVENGE
Animals can provide much entertainment. Right back to Roman times we have been using animals to fight one another for our pleasures. The Romans used to put helpless lions against pick pocketing Jews but fortunately because the Jew was too busy looking for the lion's pockets, it meant the lion was able to get a meal on. As the ages went by, cock fighting and dog fighting became popular where men would bet on organized matches. In modern times we still have dog fighting but more recently we use women. Women don't always want to fight so a promised meal for the victor after 3 days of starvation should be enough to get them hair pulling when you open their cages. To make it more interesting, some will pitch a woman against a pair of wild dogs but arm her with a rubber chicken to make the bout more even.
It’s a nice, warm, sunny day and you decide to sit out on the lawn for a naked sunbathe, a wank and a beer. Only problem is, one of the neighbour’s cats has shit all over the lawn. If you wanted shit on your lawn you would have got a fucking cat! It’s time to get your own back. Tempt the little bastard into your house with some food and throw the rodent in the microwave. Make sure you film the satisfying revenge-lolokaust that is about to transpire. Get your house slave to lick you out or whack yourself off as the microwave purrs round and the cat is jumping 360 degrees as smoke comes out of its ears. Burn this comedy classic to DVD and post it through the owner’s letterbox. With a bit of luck you might hear their screams as they watch your masterpiece unfold on their TV and laugh as you see them run into the street with their hands in their hair, tears streaming down their face, shouting who and why. Just make sure nobody sees you tossing your old microwave into the bin.
Pigeons are the scum of the animal kingdom and if you’re going to kill them, you might as well have fun. Capture one of these ‘sky rats’ and take it up to the top of a tower block. Now these things have an amazing capacity to swallow large objects into their gullet. Take a firework and carefully remove the charge, this should be contained in a neat little packet inside with a fuse coming out of it. The bird will swallow this charge without much encouragement because these creatures are like Jews, they consume anything and everything but just make sure the fuse end is stuck out of its beak slightly. Light the fuse and just as it takes, throw the filthy cunt off the top. It should glide downwards if you’re high enough and without warning, it will explode into a bloody rag of feather, skin and bones. The carcass will fall with a huge spray of blood which will hopefully land over a children’s playground and poison them all.
I just love going to the zoo. It’s a great day out for all the family, especially in the middle of the night after the gates are shut. Why not break in and kill all the animals in the zoo. Inside should be some ferocious carnivores just ready to rip up those endangered albino penguins or maybe use a dead snake to hang a panda. Perhaps you could remove the head of a tiger and put it on the severed neck of a giraffe, just to fuck it up. Go into the bird house and break the necks of every single squawking parrot, pull their heads off and write ‘FUCK OFF CUNT!’ on the walls with their bloody necks. Whatever you do, make sure there’s a visual spectacle ready for the visitors in the morning after you leave, the kid’s will love it.
There are some quick methods of satisfaction that are highly recommended. Cats are a good object of abuse as they thrash and jump a lot when attacked. Try pouring hot cooking fat on its back and watch the creature howl and scream as the skin and fur sizzle. Unlike boiling water, cooking fat will hold its temperature and will burn right through the skin. Another method is to pour petrol on it and set it on fire, a quick, cheap laugh for friends and family when you have them round for a BBQ. I guarantee the kids will love classic party tricks like that.
Gang attacking an animal is great fun. Form tight a circle and join arms with each other over your shoulders and lean in. The formation will be a bit like a rugby scrum. Place a dog in the middle and kick it when its back is towards you. Continue this until it just stops jumping round in circles. When it’s had enough, you must all stamp on its head until you cave its skull in. Place the dog on its owner’s doorstep, ring the doorbell and run off. You should all get a good laugh when the owner breaks down in tears.
Cambodia and Vietnam are the homes of genocide and war. They are also countries where animals are there for your pleasures if you have the dollar. For the cost of $1 per bullet you can shoot off an M16 into a cow or better still, an RPG. We would recommend using the RPG as this means you don’t have to cook and steak your beef after slaughtering it. Kambol Shooting Range just outside Phenom Penh offers the cow option for $555 or for the same price you can toss a hand grenade into a flock of chickens. Mr Lan Kosal is an arms dealer there who will take good care of you.
One annual stop for any animal pwner should be the Spanish ‘Blood Fiesta’. Every year during June, scattered around Spain, are the faptastic festivals where much pwnage is to be enjoyed. They usually last 3 days and regular attractions are the famous ‘bull run’ where a bull is chased down the main street and people throw darts at him. The men aim for the sensitive areas like the nose, eyes and balls. After a couple of hours when the bull is tired, they push him over, cut his bollocks off and then kill him. There are different features at different festivals and here are some of the things on offer:
A goat is paraded in streets, before being thrown from the church tower in Manganeses de la Polvorosa.
Chickens are hung from a line and decapitated by horsemen in Nalda.
Pigeons and squirrels in clay pots are stoned in Robledo de Chavela.
Live chickens hung from a line are hacked to pieces by blindfolded young girls with blunted swords in Tordesillas. (Hot)
In Coria, a bull’s horns are set on fire as he runs through the town streets.
There are around 2000 festivals and at the bigger ones you can enjoy 2 bulls per day and indulge the other animal games using pigs, geese, ducks, donkeys, squirrels, rabbits, pigeons etc.
We all like piano music don’t we? This royal Italian court certainly did in 1650! Athanasius Kircher invented the ‘cat piano’ to lift the spirits of a depressed prince. Different cats with different pitched meows were put into sections on the back of the piano and as the pianist hit the keys, a heavy lever would strike the cats tail causing it to yowl. Now that’s a fucking show.
Have you heard the term ‘hunter gatherer’? Well that’s what humans naturally are. Don’t let those fucking hippies stuck in the 60’s tell you any different, our natural state is TO HUNT! Hunting is a fine art and starting with simple targets is the best way to get into this gentleman’s sport. An easy target is the duck pond where prey is easy to find. Make sure you take some friends for backup and some heavy weaponry in case your target becomes so close that they are a danger to you. The advantage of pond birds is they are used to humans so getting close shouldn’t be a problem. Once you’ve nailed the simple stuff then you can start thinking about hunting endangered species.
Part 3: ANIMAL PRODUCTS
Beasts give us nice things like milk, cheese and eggs but also give us meat and furs too. Any animal is fair game for the dinner plate and some countries immerse themselves in the diversity of cuisine to the maximum. France and Korea are the two most adventurous carnivores which causes some controversy amongst people without a palette for fine food. Koreans like their dogs. It's a Korean tradition to hang a dog up by it's hind legs and beat it almost to death. The reason they do that is to tenderise the meat, as it can be a bit tough otherwise. Once softened up, they boil it alive to loosen the skin off the body and skin it alive to make sure the meat is fresh when it’s steaked and cooked.
The French are famous for their foie gras which is goose or duck liver, fattened by stuffing enormous amounts of corn down the fucker's gut. It tastes wonderful, so smooth and silky without being heavy or dense. It's made into a pate sometimes which the French are very proud of. Truth is, the Egyptians were making this 2500 years ago so fuck off you plagiarist, kike, art stealing faggots who lose at culture and war. Your country is overrun with spear chuckers anyway.
I hear the coast of Newfoundland and St Lawrence in Canada is nice between November and May. The fact that the seal clubbing season starts in these areas at that time of year might also be of interest. You will need a hakapik which has a hammer head on one side to crush its skull and a spike on the other side to drag the carcass. The hunt kills around 300,000 seals per year so that should be enough to satisfy anyone’s bloodlust. The benefits of the hunt are a lucrative fur and meat trade which exports around the world but more important than that is the chance to get your clothes painted with seal blood as you swing your weapon into its fucking head. I shit you not, you can actually book a clubbing trip with a tour company online. Now, where do I book?
I’ve got a beautiful pair of BDSM whips with ivory handles, leather tassels, made from black rhino hide with panda bone tied into them for extra damage. All these products are on the ban list which makes these materials extremely expensive. If we were allowed to buy them, prices would come down because availability would dictate the market price. What we urge you to do is start buying these products which should bring the prices down. Here’s a short list of fine quality products we recommend.
Beautiful tiger skin rugs.
Classic ivory products.
Delicious shark fin soup.
Warm seal skin gloves.
Sensual white rhino aphrodisiac.
Luxurious coats made from snow leopards.
Niggers are father down the evolutionary chain to humans. They are slightly more intelligent than monkeys, meaning they can be trained to do manual work. As time goes on, fuel will either run out or become too expensive. Soon, the nigger will be our mode of transport as the price of a KFC compared to a tank of petrol will make them more cost effective. It has been proven that feeding two niggers a family bucket of chicken can get you about 100 kilometres. Petrol stations are already being developed with this new, green technology in mind.
Part 4: SEXYTIME
We covered dogs in our zoophilia guide but horses can be a great lay too. To fuck a stallion you need to smell like a mare. Go to a mare, dip your finger in its foof and get the aroma on you by spreading it on your skin. Approach the stallion slowly and give him a whiff of the juices from the mare which should be enough to give him a rock on, be careful though, they can get a bit excited and twitchy at this point and kick you so stay away from the back end. Now you must de-scale his cock because it will be dry and flaky, you don’t want dead skin in your fuckbox. Now get under him so he can be pump away. There’s a good chance you will end up like Mr Hands if you are a beginner so take it easy, especially if his arm sized pork sword is in your ass. Here are some tips and things to remember.
Wear a hard hat.
Wear steel toe boots.
Use gallons of lube.
He will high pressure ejaculate up to 5 feet.
Take a friend.
Make sure your hole can fit a fist size object.
Don’t let him kick your fucking head inside out.
A good dildo will keep a girl occupied for hours. Some dildos take batteries and vibrate or move but imagine a live one that moves without pattern or predictability, yes, what you need inside you is a snake. Be careful what kind of snake you use because getting bitten on the tit as a rattle snake fucks you is no fun. Make sure its not going to bite, poison, strangle you and ultimately kill you.
Farm animals can provide some fun. Pigs are funny to watch when trying mounting a girl but getting ‘porked’ isn’t easy. Their dicks are thin like pencils and the hog is a heavy animal when it mounts so take care. Goats are another crap penis breed of farm beast so don’t expect much action from them either. Chickens are a source of fantastic sexual pleasures. For the ladies they are a waste of time but a guy can have much pleasure. Lift the chicken up with its wings and basically lower it onto your throbber, pulling it back and forth along your shaft. Much flapping will occur which should increase your enjoyment. After about 2 minutes the flapping will stop because its insides will rupture so throw it on the floor and start again with another chicken. When ready to ejaculate, fire your baby batter over the pile of dead chickens, it’s nearly as good as splooging over your mom’s tits.
Who hasn’t heard of the hamster asshole idea? No? Let’s refresh our memories. You quite simply stick a round tube up your ass and send a hamster up. When it’s crawled in, you pull the tube out and enjoy. Maybe go for a run or jump around the room to get it moving and scratching. Unless you want to risk damage to your bowels, we’d suggest pulling it’s claws out first.
Violence towards animals is sexually exciting so why not cut the head off a kitten and finger yourself off as you shit on its severed head? Maybe bounce up and down on a dude’s meatpole as you strangle the dog or have a threesome with your kid’s budgie and the rabbit. Whatever kind of animal you torture, rape or kill, just make sure you squeeze one off afterwards.
People get glass in their ass when it comes to animal rights but what ever happened to the rights of humans to use animals as the resource they were meant as? The animal trade feeds us, keeps us warm, entertains us, gives us sexual pleasure and generates billions of dollars of trade and industry.
It’s very easy to start wearing sandals, listening to John Lennon and growing your hair so you can start bleating on about animal rights like a fucking sheep. To anyone who is still unsure about where they stand on this issue, we’d recommend beating a puppy to death with a dead cat to work up an appetite, then eating some seared foie gras on a bed of spinach with a balsamic vinaigrette, followed by some dog porn. We’d suggest treating yourself to a black and white Chinchilla fur coat which uses about 150 animals pelts to make! Endulge yourself on these things and THEN tell us animals are not worth exploiting. As for the animal rights movement, Peta and the other god damn hippies, well, give them a taste of battery farming, use them like animals, FUCK ANIMAL RIGHTS!
THIS GUIDE HAS THE JAIME FERRERO AVILA INTERNATIONAL CAT KILLER SEAL OF APPROVAL! Project director: Jewdozer