As staunch supporters of the Feminist movement we feel it is important to finally speak up and educate you heathens on female oppression. We do this only out of genuine concern for our sisters in slavery around the globe and in no way are fighting their battles for them to try to further our nice guy images and get fuck-loads of consensual sex. So spread your lips wide and prepare for a long hard educational pounding as we enter the Fourth Reich of Feminism.
The origin of Feminism can be traced back to the earliest ball busters, when woman finally decided to step up, get off their asses and contribute to the household in a monetary and meaningful way, or in most cases buy and abuse Valium. In exchange for pretending to contribute they demanded that males also let them vote, and thus the one of the worst decisions in modern history was made and better judgement cast aside in the name of ďprogressĒ and spared feelings. Woman were given the right to shape society in their image, horny and homely.
Our new brand of much improved feminism is a social club for the awkward, gender confused, sexually repressed internet casualties and the scene girls trying desperately to dig a niche in which they can turn profit from their useless degrees in gender studies. We can do this by manufacturing offense in nearly everything we can find and then whining about it.
A large percentage of women become Feminists because they are simply, ďCOCK ShyĒ. The feeling of dread or envy upon being introduced to the male sausage scepter that leaves girls feeling bitter and withdrawn. If the male form makes you Turn your head, Gag, Scream, Self Mutilate, Cry, or become a Lesbian, then YOU may be suffering from COCK Shyness.
The fastest way to become a feminist is to have a regrettable sexual experience that makes you feel like a used up and petrified wank sock. This could include binge drinking and having a entire fraternity house run a train on you, OR simply cheating on your boyfriend with some jock you met while out cosmic bowling. Luckily under feminist ordinance these kinds of regrettable acts are considered retroactive rape, and if we have our way, shall someday be tallied and prosecuted. That will teach them to involve themselves in your instability!
Everyone digs a Stockholm girl, but if your jaw is too weak to take a good justified clobbering now and then you may wanna hang up the apron and come join la resistance of domestic abuse victims who prefer their oppression to be a little more esoteric.
One of the longer and harder routes to feminism is to have been molested by a relative or family friend. Although this path to feminism can is rarely instigated by the victim, the truly coveted juvenile can use this card for the rest of their life to evoke strong emotions of pity. However this angle is often bluffed by jealous, lesser statured feminists so you may want to keep this legitimate trauma to yourself lest you may even find fellow attention starved femme-kin demanding that you get off your high horse.
Believe it or not, there is even a place for men in feminism. Are you a virgin who is comfortable with just being friends? Do you feel society is judging you based on how ďprogressiveĒ you are? Well just agree with all the nonsense feminists say in public and we will accept you into our folds. If youíre lucky we may drunkenly text you a titty picture. Donít go and get all excitable now.
Because nothing establishes your unique identity and self worth more than having other people tell you what to think, there is the Matriarchal godhead. A shining beacon of hope to all those disenfranchised women who crave something to be mad about, The Matriarchal godhead is used to incite controversy where there is none to justify her gender studies degree. She does this by making criticisms of men in politics and pop culture, whilst keeping alternatives vague enough for any feminist to project their own biases into the conversation. This creates a schizoid dialogue that is both hard to take serious and prone to alienate critical thinkers. This ambiguity gives the Matriarch time to transform into her next form, The Martyr!
Supercharged on minor internet fame, the Martyr disembarks on a lucrative publicity tour in which she insists her life is endanger from youtube gamers and internet pranksters. Without having to elaborate her controversial opinions the Martyr is presented as a brave feminist hero and is applauded for enduring her socially engineered situations. Once a hefty paycheck is collected the Martyr cuts the damsel in distress act and returns to being the empowered figurehead that gets our feminist cunts dripping wet.
As much as men canít control their compulsion to rape, Women canít control their visceral need to seek identity through others. Often seeking solace in conforming to social groups and TV idols like television hosts. When such idols cannot be found the COCK mitten will try to act like a man or seek out standards of beauty from dolls and inanimate objects.
To counter this we must guilt people into liking fat and ugly girls while we shame the sexy and the skinny girls for their genetic superiority, and try to convince them they are part of a plot cooked up by males to make women genuinely attractive. Too much too soon? What man wouldnít want to sink his blood brisket into a handful of whale blubber?
Rape is an epidemic, and under the feminist credo, you donít even know when you are being raped! Thatís why to be a proper feminist and non-rapist, you must always initiate any physical encounter with verbal or written consent. This is for His AND Her safety, so that you know you are not raping somebody! Remember to have your lawyer read over any potential sex contracts before you prod the joyless cunt. This is also probably just an elaborate fetish.
Anyone who tells you that abortion is not a viable form of birth control, just doesnít want you to have fun! A proper feminist casts out at least a half dozen rape babies during her time in existence as a sacrifice to oneís inner goddess. Phew! Thatís some hard work, ladies! [Additional Abortion Hints, Tips, and Tricks are available in Lolokaust's Abortion Guide!]
We donít need protest to be part of the male-mandatory draft or hold combat roles in the military to prove our equality. War is an invention of men that women have in no way ever profited from or indulged in. So let them take the front lines while we stay in our rightful place, the kitchen..
Screw those Menís Rights Association losers, cause who needs menís rights when you have equal rights. With feminism all women have the equal right to obtain child custody and leach off alimony for years while collecting government assistance. All you have to do is get knocked up? Itís as easy as it sounds!
If itís one thing us feminists care about more than our civil-rights or chastity, itís video games! We literally care about video games so much that we want to change them for everybody! Trust us, you will like video games more when they finally start pandering to feminist ideals. Video games should only be made by emasculated hipsters who are sympathetic to our self-imposed alienation from the gaming community. They should be introspective, retrospective, pretentious and have little-to-no replay value. Itís the true and only way to have fun. If you disagree, you are a bigoted ugly, lazy, unemployed, smelly, fat, basement-dwelling nerd.
First world feminism should stay in the first world. As much as it may suck to actually be forcibly raped, beaten, accused, executed or declared an untouchable, we cannot let these problem detract from real core issues like the sexual repression of white women with daddy issues. After all we donít want to be thought of as xenophobic or criticize anyoneís culture.
Genetics are an invention of the patriarchy. We prefer to think of gender as fluid and non-binary, this way we can always become procedurally unrelatable to anyone who tries to identify with us. If you FEEL stronger, smarter, and more qualified than a man, who are we to tell you that youíre wrong!
We will strengthen our numbers by legitimatizing everybodyís psychosis and embrace anyone who may want to identify as the opposite sex, no sex, other kin, human meat ball, metaphysical dildo and so on. Of course we may by proxy be encouraging these people to mutilate their own genitals or get gross reconstructive surgeries, sending them on a quest for perfection that will dictate their lives and never leave them satisfied. But that is their fucking problem, because gender can be appropriated!
Incase the men in your life canít be bothered with your tales of gender fuckery and white guilt when they come home from their oppressive cart pusher position at walmart, you can emasculate them the old fashioned way, with castration! An emancipated penis makes the best breakfast snack or multi purpose ornament for any proper ball breaker.
If nobody gives you the negative attention you desire, try the flailing, kicking, and screaming approach. Your infantile desperation will attract gawkers like a car crash and you can thrive on the pity and disgust. Donít worry, if you become accused of being a pariah just keep screaming and wait for a fellow feminist to make your excuses for you!
Our ultimate goal as Feminists is to remake society into a progressive chess board where we communicate only through buzzwords, hash tags and hurt feelings. A perfect harmony where we can constantly apologize for our differing views and biology while catering to the ones who cry and scream the loudest. A paradise where a fat hairy woman is the new sign of fertility and menís only sexual gratification comes from the smile of a feminist when he denounces his natural inclination to bend the bitch over and fill her rectum full of of sweet and sour man meal or any other behavior that may seem ďinsensitiveĒ. We have already started on the fat, lazy, whiner part, but there is always more to be done!
Congratulations if you made it this far you know everything there is to know about Feminism and are now a Certified Special Snowflake! Go forth into the world with your daddy issues and misappropriated angry and show those evil men they can never hurt you again from the dense bubble that you now live in.
Your own special fucking certificate, for a special sort of idiot. Welcome to First World Feminism, now fuck off.