Mohandas Gandhi once said “A man who has not killed a man is not a real man”. The thrill that comes from taking a person’s life is like discovering your genitals in puberty, it’s an awakening. Here at The Lolokaust we reveal to you the refined methods, yes, the tried and tested fun ways of killing a man. Welcome to the 8th Mspaint guide, a guide to MURDER!
In our guide we will reveal the motives for killing, methods and body disposal. All the information you will need to get away with murder and enjoy it to the maximum is contained in this guide. We are going to explore the sport of spree killing, serial killing and assassination. You see killing is a bit like diet, not everyone likes carrots so picking a method is important when killing for enjoyment.
We will be rating various parts of our guide with endorsements to help you choose a method. The ‘murderer scene’ has had many famous killers and they will be rating our methods to help you choose the right one for you.
People kill for many reasons. Some kill for fun, some for sex, some as a profession, sometimes for snuff, revenge or hate. To be happy, you need to get what you want from life so if someone is blocking your path to satisfaction you need to act swiftly to put down any opposition. Remember your childhood sweetheart that ended up with your classmate? Well ok so she wasn’t your girl at school, ok she never met you, spoke with you or even knows you exist. She still should be with you so stab that fucking cunt in the head and take what is rightfully yours.
Money is the root of all happiness. Life insurance can pay out huge sums. Are you stuck in a relationship that has become stale? Not had sex for years and can’t bring yourself to cheat on your partner? Kill them, it’s the best way. To cheat on them will only hurt them so killing them will save them from heartache, you will get paid and be free to spread your fuck with any partner you like, without destroying your partner’s life.
Revenge is sweet. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you it just makes you bitter. Seeing the life drain out of a person’s face who has betrayed you in some way should cause some excitement in your pants. Many killers claim a sexual thrill when the subject suddenly stops breathing and you look them in the eye. Just think, the last thing they will see is your face, they will know why you’re doing it and their last thought will be “I wish I hadn’t fucked with this guy” . You are a winner!
One thing is for sure, we will all be forgotten very quickly after we die. Even with the advent of photographs and having a family we will all be forgotten after we are dead. If I said to you, Ted Bundy or Ed Gein, you would know who I was talking about. This is because they left their mark on society, they accomplished something, they murdered in the most artistic ways. One way to make sure your legacy continues after you’re dead is to think up the most creative ways of killing people and using their bodies. Ed Gein made some delightful furniture and Ted Bundy had a great sex life.
Sometimes the stress of work can be too much to bear. Deadlines, quality control, asshole supervisors or just the uncontrollable desire to rip someone to pieces can be overwhelming. Don’t hold back. If barking dogs at the kennel you work in are getting on your tits, kick them to death. If your boss has some ego power trip problem then cave his fucking head in. Doctors are in a great position to indulge themselves because they are have access to tools an can release executive pressure on an unconscious victim.
Life changing events can make you panic. Lets say your wife announces to you after a hard day’s work that she is expecting your first child. That’s pretty much your life over so it’s important to act. There’s two ways you can solve this, wait till she’s turned into a disgusting fat blob and put your boot up her cunt, or wait till it’s delivered and throw it against the wall.
Working for a living is not good. Hiring yourself out as a professional killer must be one of the most exciting and well paid jobs in existence. This is an all expenses paid, self employed trade that will take you all corners of the world. The art of assassination is often making a death look like an accident. Getting away undetected is where ingenuity comes in. Sadly fame and notoriety are missing from this life because the whole point is to slide back in obscurity. If you manage to find work in this field then the golden rule is to make sure you hit the right target.
PART 2: METHODS
There are the obvious methods like stabbing and shooting which are ok but to really get the full impact, you have to work these ideas properly. For instance, killing someone with a knife is only any good if they can see you tower above them as you plunge the carver into their neck and laugh at them. Good eye contact is important if you want to taste the fear of your victim. Guns are great too but a close range head or face shot is the only way to get a heavy spray from the blood that ejaculates from their face.
For maximum impact on those observing and sheer adrenaline the spree killing option is strongly recommended. Problem is that at some point armed police will probably turn up and blow your brains out so it’s a race against time to rack up your body count. Pick your area well. Shopping centres are good if you are using guns because these places have lots of security, these can be controlled especially with automatic weapons. If knives and swords are your weapon of choice then a rest home for old people or a school could be a fun target, it’s not like they can run away. With a bit of luck you might get on the scoreboard of Sigvatr’s spreekillers.org site where more information on this blood sport can be found.
An old classic is a good hanging. The Ku Klux Klan perfected this when hanging wogs. This was a day out for the family, a thing that brought communities together. Today Islamic cuntries such as Iran now practice this when punishing women for unforgivable crimes like showing their face in public. This is also a good method if you want your murder to appear as a suicide.
It’s Saturday morning, you were out late last night on the town and have decided to lay in bed late with the piece of ass you picked up in a bar but then the doorbell rings. You go downstairs and a man stands there wearing a cheap suit and a fake smile. It’s your lucky day! This man claims he can save you money…..blah blah blah. Door to door salesmen are the scum of the earth. Why not keep a pack of wolves in a cage for such occasions. Just let the fucking things out on him and watch him get ripped him to shreds. I doubt you will have to worry about the mess as the wolves will eat everything.
There’s nothing quite like killing someone with your bare hands. The hands on approach is where a closer connection with your art can be enjoyed. The rough and tumble from a struggling victim can give sexual stimuli and even an orgasm because the smell of fear and desperation permeates the killer’s senses. Beating your target’s face in with your bare hands and then screaming in their face as you strangle them should be enough to excite anyone. A great twist to this method is to do it naked.
Feral is a prostitute, she is also a murderer. Her clients pick her up on street corners and she takes them somewhere nice and cosy like a public toilet. If the client is kind of hot, he might be lucky enough to get, a hand job, munched off or even get his dick up her cunt. Whatever happens, he’s still a dead man. She’ll reach into her bag, which is actually a modified cool bag, and take out an icicle. Now the client thinks he’s in for some kinky shit, like she’s going to stimulate herself with it or maybe slide it up his ass. The reality is that she’s going to plunge that snow dagger right into his eye and kill him. Now the benefits of this method is that the ice will melt, leaving just a patch of water below the victim and no fingerprints on the murder weapon. Ingenious? It’s fucking ice cold!
Who likes a fire show? Me too. Who hates children? Yes, I hate them as well. Why not have a children’s party in your garden on a hot day. Give them all super-soakers but fill them all with petrol. When they have soaked each other through, light a match and set one of them off. As the flaming torch runs around the garden you can enjoy the show as he lights the others up, resulting in a display more impressive than any fireworks.
Taking your time over your killing can reap rich rewards in terms of satisfaction. It’s not always best to kill them quick. Try and see how slowly you can kill them, see if you can make them last a week. Burning raw wounds and severed limbs to stop the bleeding is one way of slowing their death. Using acid on the skin can cause much pain. Why not cut their spinal column with some bolt cutters to paralyze them, then cut their fingers off one by one. Seeing their body parts gradually disappear without feeling it or being able to stop you should cause them unimaginable terror and result in blood curdling screams which is great for your sexual pleasure. If they pass out, urinate in their face, it usually brings them back round.
Set up a business doing hiking tours in a national park and do the following:
•Lead your party to a forest clearing.
•Before they know what’s going on, butcher them all, don’t let any of them get away.
•Strip the corpses and mount on stakes entering the anus and exiting the mouth.
•Go back to base and take out another party of trekkers.
•Lead your party to the forest clearing.
•As they see the bodies on the stakes, butcher them all, don’t let any of them get away.
•Burn the old bodies off the stakes and mount new bodies on the stakes.
•Return to step 1.
This one needs a good team of trusted killers who will keep on top of the situation. Some of your team needs to be on the trek and some waiting in the clearing where the stakes will be ready. It’s very important that nobody gets away.
Drowning sounds like such a predictable and boring way of killing someone but that really depends on how you do it. Restrain your victim and stuff a plastic pipe down their throat with a funnel on the end. Now you can either urinate down the funnel and fill their lungs with piss or invite your friends round and circlejerk down it, either way, they will drown on your body fluids and get a golden shower with a twist.
Throughout history humans have warred against each other and committed atrocities that cannot be explained. Sometimes a victorious army will turn on the defeated civilian population and wipe them out. Acts of lolocide famously happened in Yugoslavia, Rwanda, Cambodia, the Jewish lolocaust and the ‘Rape of Nanking’ by the Japanese in 1938. It was reported that the Nips entered Nanking and set about murdering, raping and committing other acts of sadistic horrification. Such opportunities should never be missed. State sponsored murder on this scale gives you licence to indulge your most violent fantasies without fear of any comeback. The Gooks had great style and flair. They raped and stabbed young, new mothers and took their babies outside the city for bayonet practice. Figures hover between 100,000 to 300,000 kills during this period. KILLAH!
Artistic inspiration for murder can come from many places. Books, films and notorious serial killers can be a great source of inspiration. Simply take your favourite killer from a film and create a scenario where you can become them, maybe re-enact one of your favourite scenes. A clockwork orange, silence of the lambs and American Psycho are just some of the films with strong lead characters that can help you find happiness in killing.
PART 3: BODY DISPOSAL
This is an essential part of our guide if you want to get away with it. Forensics have made this more difficult so care must be taken. Eating the body is a good way of disposing it. Theres various ways of cooking it, recipes for pork and beef dishes usually work well. We covered this in more detail in our ‘Dating guide’ but for quick reference we’d say cook it well and don’t eat it raw, it’s not sushi.
For the safest way to dispose of a body the ‘Acid Bath’ method has to be the winner. You will need a few drums of sulphuric acid which will cost you a fucking fortune. Offering a satisfactory explanation to your local chemicals supplier why you need this stuff in such large quantity, will be a miracle. Assuming you can get the acid, make sure you use an iron bath as opposed to a resin or plastic based material ones because the acid will eat your bath and make a mess.
Dead bodies can be used for fuel. If you are going to burn the corpse it’s going to need some help getting going. Get your fire going and put the body parts on as the fire burns. A fat bastard is good for this, they burn better with all that fat in them. Human flesh can smoke rather a lot so a closed multi fuel burner is probably best.
Getting rid of the body can also be used to increase your body count. Dump it in a local water supply and poison everyone or alternatively, throw the body out of a plane over a densely populated area, with a bit of luck the body will land on someone and splatter them up.
Don’t feel you always have to get rid of the body. If you have storage facilities then maybe you can keep it. Make a wall decoration out of it by gutting the corpse and draping it over the light fitting and wall pictures. Perhaps cut up the middle of the body and climb inside it. Some say doing that makes them feel warm and safe because its like being back in the mothers womb.
Even if you still have your clothes on you can still have fun with a corpse. For this loltastic method you will need a friend. Get a cheap van, cut a hole in the bottom, just big enough to dump a body through and hit the freeway. Make sure you have hit traffic where its busy but still moving fast. Carefully lower the body through the hole in the van so it shoots out from behind of your moving van towards the car behind. The car behind might swerve or go straight over it but either way, there should be some chaos to be enjoyed from your rear view mirror as the cars all run over it and mash it up. They will not know where the body came from and you will drive away.
BE AN OPPORTUNIST
Murder doesn’t always have to be premeditated. A killer doesn’t always go out with the intent to kill someone, like a man who robs houses, we kill when the opportunity presents itself. Allow me to tell you a story…..
I work as a locksmith and security specialist.
I did a job today where a trusting customer gave me the keys to his house to do him some work. He was going away with his wife and 2 kids so I told him that on his return the house would be secure and my work finished. He thanked me for taking care of things and got in his car so I waved them all goodbye and wished them a great holiday.
I went upstairs and started fitting new security to the master bedroom. I pulled a chest of drawers out and down the back is a pair of his wife’s panties. Curiosity takes me over and I have to have a sniff, they smell great, they smell of his wife. I reason in my mind that as long as the house is fine, they will have no idea what I get up to so before I know it, my work trousers are round my ankles and my cock is out. Its thick and fat and I’m very excited because I’ve never worn women’s underwear. I slide up her knickers and look at myself in their full height mirror, I look fabulous. Now I start going through the other drawers to see what other goodies I can find. At the back of the draw is the holy grail of win, her vibrator. I inhale the odour on it and it smells like a fucking fish market, she must have had it up herself the night before. I lay on the bed with my legs above my head and stuff it up my ass, sexual satisfaction ensues. Looking through another draw I find condoms and put one on and simulate degrading sexual acts on the bed, I’m pretending I’m their pet dog, ramming his wife, I’m panting with my tongue out.
Just then, as I’m in sexual Narnia, the door opens and the customer walks in and says “You won’t believe it but we got down the road and realized my wife had forgotten her passp……..WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!???
At this point his wife and 2 children look around him and see me with the vibrator up my ass, wearing his condoms, jacking off to their family pics and panting like a dog. Speechless was an understatement.
I butchered them all to death.
I only killed the husband at first but then his wife freaked out and then 2 kids wouldn’t stop crying which affected my erection. I killed all 4 of them, nailed them to the bedroom wall with my nail gun and returned to my sexual adventure.
Our journey together should have been an enlightening experience for you. We have revealed the secrets of this fine art and proved that taking your time and calculating your murders will bring you long lasting satisfaction and happiness. In time your talents should develop by trying different methods. Get yourself noticed, get in the news and get one of those media labels like ‘Jack the Ripper’ or ‘The Boston Strangler’. I always fancied ‘The Angel of Death!’
- amicicide murder of a friend
- deicide destruction or killing of a god
- episcopicide killing of bishop
- femicide killing of a woman
- filicide killing of one’s own child
- foeticide killing a foetus
- fraticide killing of one’s brother
- genocide killing of a race or ethnic group
- giganticide killing of a giant
- gynaecide killing of women
- hereticide killing of heretics
- homicide killing of a human being
- infanticide killing of an infant
- mariticide killing or killer of one’s husband
- matricide killing of one’s mother
- ovicide sheep-killing
- parasuicide harmful act appearing to be an attempt at suicide
- parricide killing of parents or a parent-like close relative
- patricide killing of one’s father
- prolicide killing of offspring; killing of the human race
- regicide killing of a monarch
- senicide killing of old men
- sororicide killing of one’s own sister
- suicide killing of oneself
- tyrannicide killing or killer of a tyrant
- uxoricide killing of one’s own wife
- vaticide killing or killer of a prophet
Text written by:
Die Mädchens Leiche
Don’t hassle the Hoff
Die Mädchens Leiche
Special thanks to the members of Facepunch
and to our Lolokaust angel, she knows who she is.