Having trouble in your shit seat?
Does your inexperience leave behind substandard or stressful poops? This guide
offers a bag of information to those interested from a scientific, sexual or
some other point of view. And yes, like Man.. The Poop also has different
kinds of races, categories, formats and senses of fashion. First, let’s start
off with the hero who’s been taking it all on his shoulders alone for mankind
past many centuries.
Let us guide you to the better
way, let us reveal the secrets of mankind to you. Team Lolokaust has been
studying and experimenting poops long before your rope skipping grandparents
discovered their genitals. Everything you need to know about crap is right
here in front of you. Don’t be afraid, dig in further!
POOP #01 – Average poop
Danger Level: Minimal,
nothing to worry about.
Just like white people, “Average
poop” with scientific name: Normalis Cacare, is the dominating majority all
over the planet. We all recognise average poop for its smooth evanescence,
fragile structure and smelly aura. There’s nothing to worry about in Average
poop, this kind of poop is routine in your busy lives. Just be sure not to
take off with an unclean exit-hole.
POOP #02 – Healthy Poop
Danger Level: None
“Healthy Poop” with scientific
name: Bonus Supero, is a sign of good health. It comes out smoothly, doesn’t
hang in assfur and hardly smells at all. It’s so perfect that you might as
well recycle and eat it.
POOP #03 – Green Poop
Danger Level: Risky, but still easy to keep under control
“Green poop” with scientific name:
Viridis Merda, is a mixture of vegan meals, average poop and bile. This is the
kind of poop you don’t want an encounter with because not only does it smell
awful, it’s also green and very messy. You should consider eating meat and
sweets the moment you give birth to this monster.
POOP #04 – Brick Poop
Danger Level: Like smoking, it strains your stamina.
Oh lordi, this is the kind of poop
that killed Farrah Fawcett. “Brick Poop” with scientific name: Limus Poopus,
is a biological weapon developed by misunderstandings between your digestion
network and Arabic food. When this kind of crap occurs, you mustn’t hurry or
else you’ll blow every single vein in your head. Take it easy and slow because
worst cases in brick pooping history have gone beyond surgical operations,
keep that in mind.
Danger Level: Dangerous in the wrong hands.
“Rapid fire poop” with scientific
name: FAMAS F1, comes out in small and hard pieces. Imagine brick poop, but
with more uncontrollable trigger and destructive power. Rapid fire poops are
hard to prevent, but you can reduce the damage by preparing a first aid kit,
bullet proof toilet bowl and a vest.
POOP #06 – Phantom Poop
Danger Level: Scary as shit.
“Phantom Poop” with scientific
name: Spiritus Crapito, is the kind of poop who’s existence you’re 100%
certain of. You felt it cramming out, you heard the water spilling, but due an
unknown phenomenon there’s not a single trace of it. In the late 90’s there
was one Swedish actress called Helena Bergström who without any suspicion or
fear, went to push out a poop in her bathroom. She was frightened when she
noticed the toilet was empty after all the trouble she went through. Later
that night, the poop came into her bedroom and literally floated above her
bed. In the case of “Phantom Poop”, wake up your family and dial an exorcist.
POOP #07 – Diarrhoea
Danger Level: Messy but nothing to worry about
“Diarrhoea” with scientific name:
Femina Cacatus, has many kinds of formats. There’s painful diarrhoea,
diarrhoea that has similarities with porridge, piss diarrhoea and hardcore
nuclear diarrhoea. Even though they sound different, they follow the same
principles, your belly gets upset, you run to the toilet bowl and then you
piss shit like a lady. Getting hit by a surprise diarrhoea in crowded train
station is one of the finest experiences a man could have.
POOP #08 – Furniture Poop
Danger Level: Could cause anal-masturbation difficulties in the future.
“Furniture Poop” with scientific
name: Anal Dramatis, is a very common thing in the adult entertainment
industry. Furniture poop is simply item(s) that have been stuck in your anal
aperture for few days which finally find their way out simultaneously with
natural excrement deliveries. Blood is expected in the case of sharp furniture
so remember to prepare some band-aids if you’re not aware of the content of
POOP #09 – Nigger
Danger Level: ENORMOUS! Danger level worth of two fucking bars
“Nigger” with scientific name:
Niger, is a poop that takes nine months to build up. This is the most humane
poop found from the poop type reports. In a case of Niger, you should
absolutely flush the toilet because in time it will grow up, eat your food,
learn improper grammar, scream all day long, hang in your curtains, steal your
property and finally threaten your family sexually.
POOP #10 – Agent Poop
Danger Level: Unpredictable
“Agent Poop” aka. “Wet fart” also
known with scientific name: Excido Secretum, is one sneaky motherfucker. It
can strike when you run, workout, dance or basically if you forget to pay
attention to your shithose. This is Agent Poop’s most advantageous moment to
make a run for it using his unbelievable stealth skills and unhesitating
attitude and usually finds his way out from your pant leg undetected. Agent
poop doesn’t have any regular character, it could be hard, soft, caustic or
wet which makes it very dangerous and unpredictable. Agent poop’s chances of
escape depend on his shape as well.
POOP #11 – Apocalyptic Tarzan Poop
Danger Level: Life threatening
“Apocalyptic Tarzan Poop” doesn’t yet have a scientific name, so we call it in short “ATP”. This poop is very
annoying from the beginning to the end. It starts with persistent adversity in
the mouth of the rectum but once it’s half outside, it grabs the nearest ass
hair and starts swinging like a liana. Once it gets bored it makes a
cannonball jump to the pool which will make the water splash all over your
cheeks. In a case of ATP, do not worry. Every country besides Poland has ATPs
under 24h/7 satellite surveillance. Flush the toilet and the self-defence
force will do the rest.
POOP #12 – False Alarm Poop
Danger Level: Time killer.
“False Alarm Poop” just like the
one above, doesn’t yet have a scientific name, so we call it in short “FAP”.
Unlike any other poop, this isn’t actually a poop. FAP condition appears when
your brain receives a message directly from your stoolmouth saying “I can’t
hold it anymore!”. You naturally take a seat on toilet bowl. You fart couple
of time, but then you notice there ain’t no poop coming. You were just
deceived, hahaha. FAPs are unpredictable, but nothing to worry about.
POOP #13 – Snake Poop
Danger Level: Risky, don’t let your guard down
“Snake poop” with scientific name:
Anguis Serpens. This fucking shit is the kind of poop no matter how much you
look at it, it reminds you of a snake. It’s so much of a snake you will think
if you can lure it out smoothly if you play the flute or wiggle a dead rat in
front of your asshole. Unfortunately, there’s only one orthodox way to get it
out which makes such sweet thinking pretty understandable. This poop is never
ending, thin and once out, will mount and eventually trickle out from the
slots of the toilet seat. Snake poop isn’t dangerous, all you need is
POOP #14 – Fossil Poop
Danger Level: None
“Fossil Poop” aka. “White
shit”, aka. “Mummy shit” with scientific name: Benedict Senex is the
kind of poop you find laying untouched in a park whos mystery and history
is often left unsolved. This is also a mutual and very sweet treasure for
coroners. In the operating room, it’s considered to be a lucky omen if a month
old corpse suddenly decides to wring his/her remaining final poop in front of
POOP #15 – Dinner Poop
Danger Level: Could cause shock and trauma.
“Dinner Poop” with scientific
name: Cibus Shitteus. This poop is complete evidence of all the dinners you’ve
had within the last three days. Why so? Okay, let’s have a look. Those carrots
are visible for a thousand kilometers, those corns have lost some colour, but
I can still tell they’re corns, I would totally eat those peas and that
Gamecube memory card looks like it can still be used.
POOP #16 – Closeout Poop
Danger Level: Hardcore pain guaranteed
“Closeout Poop” with scientific
name: Gravitas Maximus. Having to poop as a food filtering human is your
responsibility, skipping your duty till the closest possible moment of
deadline will force you to do your work in a hurry with stress which will lead
to flawed and loose results. Imagine “Closeout Poop” as a combination of snake
and brick poop. It’s going to be at least a week’s worth of poop you’re going
to have to poop out sooner or later. Be careful, some people lose half of
their weight on the process.
That’s all! And now, before you’re
all completely lost to the vast dimension of poop information, we must move
forward to what’s even more important than the knowledge of poops.
NECESSARY POOPING ITEMS
Something always goes
wrong, so it’s good to prepare following items to gain superior position in
ORIFICE RELATED REMARKS
Make sure you remember the poop
isn’t only thing to be aware of. The following can happen even when it doesn’t
have anything to do with poop, which is why they aren’t called poops. It’s not
fun, but we can’t put all of our focus on the poops only. There’s always a
chance of a third player emerging in middle of your tic-tac-toe battle of
Enough said to those who have ever
sat on the toilet. But to remind those who live under a rock, “piss” with it’s
scientific name: Urina, commonly gets forced through your urethra by the
pressure of your exploding delight hole. Piss, unlike the poop is an
aggregation of remaining liquid from drinks and nutrition that’s wrenched down
to your digestion. In case of a poop and piss combo, you should rejoice! The
piss that grinds hard on the porcelain and the poop that creates that deep
splash sound on the water can sound like a dual of elegant instruments to
Be it a traffic jam or just a
subconscious fetish, sometimes your hydrant just simply doesn’t want to work.
When this happens, there’s no other choice other than tell your snack to
perform a quick U-turn inside your intestines. “Vomit” with scientific name:
Georgius, is proven to be the healthiest way to excrete your litters. Some
might say otherwise, but god they suck and are wrong.
“Period” aka. “Womanly blood” aka.
“Vaginal blood”, also known with scientific name: Sanguis Vagina. Hear a
rumour of it and the ripples on your spine will keep you awake for a week.
Sniff the scent of it and your appetite will turn you into a vegan. See a
glimpse of it and your eyeballs will get sucked inside to your naris. Taste it
and your muscles will roll a joint out of your own guts. No matter how badly
injured, women have a strange ability to store blood inside them for weeks and
usually it’s only once a month when they bleed like faucets.
Served inside a sandwich or on a
potato salad, “Mayonnaise” also known with a scientific name: Serum, is an
absolute winner. They say that hunger is the best spice and what can be more
joyful than the natural resource from the male genitalia. To all wives out
there, make your men happy and your hamburger could never taste better! And to
all husbands out there, insert your sauce inside your woman and it will turn
into a slice of bacon in time.
We hope after reading this guide,
your holy deliveries wont be the same again. There’s nothing more to say
really. Just don’t be afraid and remember to face challenges of any kind with
optimism and a brave mind. Worst thing to do is panic, because panic leads to
chaos, chaos leads to disorder of society, that will lead to epidemic mass
murder, crime and casualty in business. When all that breaks down there wont
be anything left to prevent humanity from turning into a horde of utter dicks.
If we all turn into solid piss squirting dicks, how the hell could we fucking
Project director: Smilecythe Text written by: Smilecythe