Here’s a story from my past revealed to you in MSpaint, the most powerful program in the world. If you don’t have the attention span to read it then fuck you, you spend too much time online.

My story happened at a time when I was still in my teens and music, girls, partying, weed and some pretty fucked up shit was all very new and exciting. Most of us were still living at home with our folks, so the idea of parents going away on vacation was just an unbelievable opportunity to throw a big party for anyone and everyone we'd ever met and all their friends.
It was a summer in the early 90’s and my friend’s parents waved goodbye as they boarded the taxi to the airport. His moms last words were, ‘don’t get into trouble and make us regret trusting you guys’… yeh right! Problem was although his mom was a total joke, his dad was a fearsome bastard, and you just wouldn’t cross him. Anyone with ginger hair is evil.

About dinnertime, after his parents had gone, we all met in a bar where they didn’t really give a fuck about how young you looked as long as it wasn’t too obvious you were underage. The drinks flowed and we got talking about some odd stuff. Someone brought up the idea about how they used to bury people with jewellery and other valuables if a person was from high society. We knew that nearby there was a very old abandoned cemetery that had some vault shaped graves in it and joked that one day we should take a look inside.

The day wore on and we headed back to make preparations for the party back at base. We never did things by halves, it amazes me now to think how organized we were at that age. Around the house were TV’s looping porn and randomness, PS-1’s, which at the time were the tits, hooked up all over and more drugs and alcohol than a supermarket pharmacy. We were fucking ready to party.

About 6pm the revellers started piling in and at 10 we had to start turning people away as they were bursting out the doors, there must have been 100 people in there. The music was blasting out and the party was in full swing.

We were all on a mission to score and I’d set my sights on one of my best friends, sisters mates called Emma who I’d heard was interested. Things were going well and although we didn’t actually have sex, I managed to get her in the parent’s room and give her a handful, for which she seemed grateful.

As we joined the party again the time had crept to about 2am and things had started to get a bit more trippy and a bit less mental. Bodies littered the floor and the smell of weed filled the house. One of the guys who had been on the decks all night just knew exactly what tunes to play for the mood, everything was perfect!

Now, the problem was that we had a thing where if someone had a crazy dare or something that needed doing we would all do it because nobody wanted to be the first to say no. My friend Dan was the mad bastard who just thought these ideas up to see if he could get someone to bottle it so he could rip the piss out of them for the next month. This time he really knew when not to fucking start with his shit.

It turned out that whilst I was wiping my wet over Emma the guys had been in the garden talking about grave robbing again. One thing had led to another and the dare was set, it was just a matter of finding out who’d got the balls. Not being the type to be outdone and having filled myself with alcohol and pills I agreed to go in a few moments after I had finished with Emma. The time now was about 3am and the party looked more like the aftermath of Hiroshima than a house. We were so loaded that we just didn’t give a fuck about the mess and damage to the house, our attitude was fuck my friends ginger dad. The high off the pills and the excitement of being let loose from the restrictive, watchful eye of our parents was like letting a tensioned spring out of a box, we just went mental that night.

Emma meant nothing, she was a piece of meat. I climbed off her and chased after my mates as they went out the door to complete our mission.

There were 4 of us that decided to go in the end and as we approached the gates of the cemetery one of the guys noticed some road works that had been left overnight. He was spot on clocking it because stuck in the ground around the ditch was 4 steel bars which we decided would be perfect for barring the slab away from the vault. We continued into the graveyard and up the main path with our trusty new tools, which was to lead to much mischief.

As we got to the vault we noticed the slab was about one and a half meters long, a meter wide and around 10 centimetres thick in solid stone. Towering above this slab was the decorative stonework that looked like something from an Egyptian tomb with the names of a certain family who were all inside. The setting couldn’t have been better, it was a warm night and a clear sky with the stars filling the sky due to there being no street lamps and no light pollution.

Excitedly we wedged all 4 bars at the back of the slab and slowly started to edge the slab back. We then used 1 of the bars like a roller to help move it easier. Eventually after much effort we revealed a set of stone steps descending underground into blackness. Now this shit gets wrong!

I decided I’d go down first and 2 of the others would follow, with 1 on watch at the top. To my surprise there was only around 10 steps, which led to a chamber. Either side of us was 2 stone coffins with the names of the deceased inscribed in the sides. Straight away we noticed one of the stone coffins had be smashed down 1 side so it was now, who the fuck is going to take a look?

As always Dan was the one who wanted to get his hands dirty and grabbed the torch to take a look. ‘’OH MY FUCKING GOD’’ was the words that came out of his mouth, but the problem was he was one of those assholes who would say less the more eagerly we asked him. After about 10 seconds of asking him, which seemed like an hour, he pulled his hand out of the stone coffin… ‘’FUCK OFF DAN!!’’ NO, NO FUCKING HELL!!! We shouted. Dan had pulled out this corpses leg bone and as we were about ready to pass out in shock he went bone crazy and started pulling as much of this poor bastard bones out of this stone box as he could, Dan had no problem handling stuff like this.

After a few minutes our watchman up top came down to see what was going on. I will never forget his face and his reaction to what he saw, there was no readying anyone for the mess we had made down there. Bones littered the floor and now Dan wanted to smash the other 3 stone boxes open to see what they contained. At certain stages of madness you get that clarity and soberness that hits you in the face like a cold shower. I realized this time we had gone too far, we needed to get the fuck out and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. I literally dragged them out of that chamber and insisted that we headed straight back to the house before we ended up in jail for life.

As we left Dan made the mistake of throwing bones around the outside of the crypt on the path. We left in such a hurry that we forgot to roll the slab back and cover our tracks.

It didn’t take long to get back to the house and now we were so fired up because of what we had just done, we couldn’t stop talking, it was sensory overload. One of the guys came up with the perfect idea of bonging some draw and getting stoned to calm us down, this made so much sense. It was a nasty contraption we used that we had constructed from a petrol can, pipe, and some tubing. The victim would take a hit that was literally pushed into your lungs by one of your mates.

Now the problem with weed and especially draw is that it doesn’t work well with everyone. It expands the mind and takes you places that you wouldn’t normally go. Naturally we started reflecting on what we’d done. The conclusion we came to was that to desecrate someone grave, you would have to be possessed. We wondered if a person were possessed would they realize? We made the mistake of going to bed on that thought.

About an hour later after going to sleep on the attic couch I was awakened by one of the guys trying to climb out of the attic window. 2 of us had to jump him and drag his off the window frame before he jumped. Now remember I said that weed doesn’t suit everyone? Well this guy had gone paranoid and decided if he was possessed by the devil the only way to remedy this was by throwing himself out of the window and killing himself. This was getting too much.

Next day there was the four of us and some trusted friends all laying about the house and resting off the previous nights excesses. In the background we had the TV on and that’s when we suddenly realized we could be fucked! THE EVENING NEWS HAD GOT A FULL REPORT ON WHAT WE HAD DONE JUST A FEW HOURS PREVIOUS!!!! They were filming live at the scene and were interviewing a policeman. The officer basically said they were looking for clues and investigating the scene and appealed to anyone who might have seen anything. I looked at the other guys and the room went totally quiet. Then the obvious happened, ‘‘who have we told?’’’ ‘’Where shall we say we were?’’ ‘’We need to burn our shoes because our prints will be on the path’’. We covered every angle and every possible outcome.

Safe to say, time passed and we never got caught.

Art/text:
Jewdozer