Welcome to the Valentines Day
special from the LOLOKAUST!
To get you hopeless romantics in the mood for love, we present to you
the 7th MSpaint guide to getting laid. We are going to break this down
in clear, easy to read sections to help you get in the mood for what
you must do. Read on and win at life.
BUILDING UP TO THE MAGIC MOMENT
IN THE NEED
Men are very simple creatures.
There are three things a man needs to keep him happy, the three F’s:
fighting, fucking and feeding. If a guy can do all three at once you
have a very happy man. It’s a bit like the caveman mentality when
dealing with the opposite sex. Too often, men try to disguise their
intentions to a woman by spewing verbal bullshit to get her into bed.
At the Lolokaust we always cut through the bullshit and give you what
you want, WHAT YOU FUCKING NEED! Read on.
THEY ALL DESERVE THE SHIT
Joey is a 42 year old computer
engineer. He has no friend’s and no relatives. His only hobby is IRC
chat and searching porn on the internet. He has never met a woman in
his whole life, even though there are women in his company, he is full
of hate and he has the need to fuck a woman. In his desperation he only
sees one solution.
PICKING YOUR TARGET
This needs to be chosen
wisely. Professions are something to take into consideration. A popular
fuckbuddy of choice is a nurse, they are good with their hands and know
how to please. They also work quite late which means enticing them into
the back of your van should be easier under the cover of darkness
METHODS AND MAYHEM
ENJOYING EACH OTHER
TRICKS OF THE TRADE
Persuading your partner can be
a challenge. A little chemical help is sometimes needed. One of our
regular guide subscribers related how he helped some sweetmeat to do
the right thing by slipping a little benzodiazepine into her drink.
Just as she was about to pass out, he took her away from the party to a
hotel room, some miles away. He was able to get her in the room, throw
the cunt on the bed and pump her gash with his meatfeast. After a while
she woke up to find a total stranger stuffing his manmeat up her
shitbox. He fled the scene immediately; leaving tasty little sugartits
without her clothes, a phone, money or a fucking clue where she was or
who had just been inside her! LOLLOOOLOLOOOLLLOOLLOOL.
Sometimes they can get a bit
feisty or resistant. In such cases you have to create a diversion. For
instance, a person with his leg hanging off after being hit by a bus
will not be too concerned with his sniffling cold. You must use this
principle when calming down your target. Perhaps if you bite a chunk
out of her cheek and spit it back in her face, she will be more
concerned with stopping the bleeding than preventing you putting your
lust inside her.
DRILLING THROUGH YOUR BODY
It’s important to get the most out of your partner. You want them to be
intensely affected by this invasion so heavy breathing in their ear and
kissing them so hard it hurts is important. Regular eye contact also
affects them in a long lasting way, they will never forget you.
Whispering sweet nothings in their ear sets the mood, “fuck with me
cunt and I’ll knife you” is very romantic. Tying their hands behind
their back is sometimes a good idea. Thrashing around can be a good
ride but a still subject will allow you to thrust deeper. When pumping
the pussy, imagine you’re drilling for oil, the rougher you are, the
bigger the man you are and blood on your peepee is win. What about
condoms? These stop us transmitting sexual diseases and block pregnancy
so why bother? Besides, the feeling of your penis rubbing the walls of
a girls vagina as she screams for help is very arousing.
MY SISTER IS MY
I can remember when my mother
brought my sister home. I was only five but I knew even then that I
would be inside her one day. I used to watch her get changed through
the crack in the door, I mean if she didn’t want it, she would have
shut the door, right? It was the first time our parents went away
without us and left us in the house, I was 22 and she was 17. The best
thing was, I didn’t have to break into the house to get to her, I just
had to make my move when she was asleep. I waited till night time and
then pounced. When she woke up she was tied to the bed, gagged and was
looking at a knife next to my throbbing cock. I cut her nose open and
stuffed my fuck up her nasal cavity. There was some muffled noise
coming from her, I can only guess it was words of gratitude.
TWO’S COMPANY, THREES A CROWD
Imagine three afro jungle
bunnies raping a white woman whilst they eat her alive.
It’s a Ritual, celebrated to
the God of Death, they believe if they don’t calm him by raping white
women, a great terror will fall upon them. They use ropes on her arms,
legs and mouth to subdue her. She’s almost impaled, and they rape her
anal and vaginal territory. She screams and a young afro boy is
watching all the action, he enjoys it.
GO FUCK YOURSELF
How many times have your
advancements been met with “Go fuck yourself!” Well that’s not very nice so its
your duty to teach her some manners and see how she likes fucking
herself. Drag the cunt to somewhere private and make a slice round her face
with a Stanley knife. Now peel the skin back, rip it off and wear it like a mask
as you stick your pleasure in her. No bitch, you go fuck yourself!
Ever had a fat dick stuffed up your shit tunnel?
Better still, have you ever been the one pushing your pole up some dudes crack?
This manoeuvre can be a difficult one because your target is more likely to
overpower you and prevent you receiving what’s rightfully yours. You have to
size up your sexual opponent. Ask yourself, if this means a bit of rough and
tumble, will slapping this bitch around a little, subdue him enough to get some
shit on my cock. If you can do it then fucking good for you faggot, we hope you die of aids.
MOM HERE I COME!
They say the bond between a
mother and son is stronger than iron. I say six inches of my pumping
love muscle up between her tits is the best night’s passion I’ve ever
had. At a certain time in life you have to move your relationship up a
gear. I had no idea if my mother was ready to enter into a sexual
relationship with me but after I’d beaten her face in so badly where
even I couldn’t recognize her, it didn’t matter because kissing my
mother on her bleeding lips made the effort of raising my hand to her
worth it. I can still taste the iron in her blood, it was wonderful.
YOUR FUCK IS A WEAPON
What was your childhood like?
If it was anything like mine then we are talking finger, bum, bed if I
was naughty. Don’t think that weak little urchin will stay that way. If
you are a parent who is sneaking into the kid’s room for a quick
pleasure session then remember these crimes will catch up with you
later in life. Revenge tastes so sweet, especially when it’s been
brewing up for years, child abusers take note!
Sometimes after a night of
fucktastic action they will act bizarrely, even going to the police for
some odd reason. Practice safe sex, yes, remove all body hair and burn
it. Police will attempt to get a DNA match from your cock hairs that
might have fallen into her minge. Another precaution is to rip her
fingernails out with some pliers to stop any of your skin DNA being
collected. This will cause much pleasure, well, for you anyway because
to you her screams will be like lullabies to an infant. After hair and
nails have been disposed of, make her take a shower with you to ensure
everything is clean. This is very erotic when you are wiping her clit
with drain cleaner and holding a knife to her throat in the shower.
Alternatively stab her to death and burn the body.
Sometimes you guys might get a
bit more than you bargained for. In one case reported, the girl gained
the upper hand. The man had got her on the floor with a knife to her
throat but the girl appeared to be enjoying herself. Upon seeing this,
he decided to put the knife down and pump away. Just as he was about to
shoot his load up her box, he put his head back, shut his eyes and gave
out a moan which ironically became his death rattle. The fucking sly
bitch took the knife and cut his dick off whilst it was still inside
her. Upon severing his lovetool she stood back and watched a huge spray
of blood and semen. As he wormed around in his own fluids, she calmly
walked off to the nearest police station with his severed cock inside
her, as evidence of his unlawful entry.
POWER IN NUMBERS
It’s always harder for the
ladies to subdue a potential target due to us guys being physically
stronger. If a girl tries to rape a guy, assuming he doesn’t want it /
is a faggot, then she will probably get her face caved in. This is
where friends and body fat come in. As long as you and your co
conspirator can get hold of him then all should be dandy. Use your body
weight to drag him to the ground. Sit on his face whilst eating junk
food for extra pleasure, just don’t expect him to get a stiffy. Popular
late night hunting grounds are kicking out time outside nightclubs,
taxi drivers and parks. If you jump a dude in a park at least his dog
might gobble him off as you sit on his face. Perhaps go to the toilet
on him when you’ve finished.
FRONT ROW SEAT
Those newly weds look so happy. Why not pay them a personal visit to offer your congratulations. Break into the house and knock him out. Strip his clothes off, tie him up and throw him on the bed. Now get his sweetheart, throw her on top of him and fuck that meatpie’s box and fire your child up her. Hopefully her screams will bring himback round to enjoy the show from the best seat in the house.
PART 3: THE
LEAVING THEM WITH GIFTS, I HAVE AIDS
You have now had a very
intimate experience with someone. This person might try and move on
with their life and forget about you afterwards, we can’t let that
happen, to ruin a life, is to win at life. The best thing you can do is
give them your baby and, or aids. A baby is perfect because every time
they look at this child, the memories of your crazed eyes staring them
in the face as you invade their snatch will haunt them every day,
especially if the bastard child has it’s dad’s eyes.
DEALING WITH THE COPS
Cop: “What were you thinking
during your first Crime? Did you have any feeling’s at all?”
Joey: When I made out with the
first girl, I instantly noticed I fucking LOVE to dominate that whining
bitch and the more she cries, the more I have to beat her.
Joey: First I was shocked
about my feelings but then I noticed… It’s the nature of Man… I
have the need to violate… I have the need to satisfy my animalistic
instinct to fuck her to death. This may be shocking for you but I think
even your husband has those feelings Detective Karlsen.
Cop: “I won’t talk about my
Personal Life in here Mr. Jason. Instead let’s talk about what you have
done to all those poor Women.
Joey: Well, I usually used the
newspapers to make contact, I’ve written a small ad saying: “Cheap
Cloth designs – Call 691 488 666” and started waiting… The first good
meat usually appeared after 1 or 2 weeks… I hate telling you this but
I only get hard by unnatural Big Tits.
Joey: Well, there she was on
the parking lot I told her to meet me on: “Emmingstreet Parking Slot
6″… I… I just smashed her face with my fist during the first 5
minutes and then took her clothes off.
Joey: Some of my meat was
K-O’d after the punching, but not with my first one, she was crying and
asking why I was doing this to her, I didn’t answer, I was
too occupied with getting her clothes off and getting her to the Van
I’d prepared some Meters away.
Cop: “What happened Inside the
Car Mr Jason?”
Joey:I started beating her
again, I fucked her twice… and then I cut her titties off.
Well there we have it boys and
girls. I hope, like all our guides, you read this and make some
practical use of the information we have given you. Not all agree with
our ‘no bullshit’ approach to such delicate subjects. To our critics,
well, its been a pleasure doing business on you.
content by: 33a3 Art by: Ajaa 33a3 Jewdozer Piestar