Welcome to the Valentines Day special from the LOLOKAUST!
To get you hopeless romantics in the mood for love, we present to you the 7th MSpaint guide to getting laid. We are going to break this down in clear, easy to read sections to help you get in the mood for what you must do. Read on and win at life.
PART 1: THE PRESSURE
BUILDING UP TO THE MAGIC MOMENT
IN THE NEED
Men are very simple creatures. There are three things a man needs to keep him happy, the three F’s: fighting, fucking and feeding. If a guy can do all three at once you have a very happy man. It’s a bit like the caveman mentality when dealing with the opposite sex. Too often, men try to disguise their intentions to a woman by spewing verbal bullshit to get her into bed. At the Lolokaust we always cut through the bullshit and give you what you want, WHAT YOU FUCKING NEED! Read on.
THEY ALL DESERVE THE SHIT
Joey is a 42 year old computer engineer. He has no friend’s and no relatives. His only hobby is IRC chat and searching porn on the internet. He has never met a woman in his whole life, even though there are women in his company, he is full of hate and he has the need to fuck a woman. In his desperation he only sees one solution.
PICKING YOUR TARGET
This needs to be chosen wisely. Professions are something to take into consideration. A popular fuckbuddy of choice is a nurse, they are good with their hands and know how to please. They also work quite late which means enticing them into the back of your van should be easier under the cover of darkness.
PART 2: METHODS AND MAYHEM
ENJOYING EACH OTHER
TRICKS OF THE TRADE
Persuading your partner can be a challenge. A little chemical help is sometimes needed. One of our regular guide subscribers related how he helped some sweetmeat to do the right thing by slipping a little benzodiazepine into her drink. Just as she was about to pass out, he took her away from the party to a hotel room, some miles away. He was able to get her in the room, throw the cunt on the bed and pump her gash with his meatfeast. After a while she woke up to find a total stranger stuffing his manmeat up her shitbox. He fled the scene immediately; leaving tasty little sugartits without her clothes, a phone, money or a fucking clue where she was or who had just been inside her! LOLLOOOLOLOOOLLLOOLLOOL.
Sometimes they can get a bit feisty or resistant. In such cases you have to create a diversion. For instance, a person with his leg hanging off after being hit by a bus will not be too concerned with his sniffling cold. You must use this principle when calming down your target. Perhaps if you bite a chunk out of her cheek and spit it back in her face, she will be more concerned with stopping the bleeding than preventing you putting your lust inside her.
DRILLING THROUGH YOUR BODY
It’s important to get the most out of your partner. You want them to be intensely affected by this invasion so heavy breathing in their ear and kissing them so hard it hurts is important. Regular eye contact also affects them in a long lasting way, they will never forget you. Whispering sweet nothings in their ear sets the mood, “fuck with me cunt and I’ll knife you” is very romantic. Tying their hands behind their back is sometimes a good idea. Thrashing around can be a good ride but a still subject will allow you to thrust deeper. When pumping the pussy, imagine you’re drilling for oil, the rougher you are, the bigger the man you are and blood on your peepee is win. What about condoms? These stop us transmitting sexual diseases and block pregnancy so why bother? Besides, the feeling of your penis rubbing the walls of a girls vagina as she screams for help is very arousing.
MY SISTER IS MY BEST FRIEND
I can remember when my mother brought my sister home. I was only five but I knew even then that I would be inside her one day. I used to watch her get changed through the crack in the door, I mean if she didn’t want it, she would have shut the door, right? It was the first time our parents went away without us and left us in the house, I was 22 and she was 17. The best thing was, I didn’t have to break into the house to get to her, I just had to make my move when she was asleep. I waited till night time and then pounced. When she woke up she was tied to the bed, gagged and was looking at a knife next to my throbbing cock. I cut her nose open and stuffed my fuck up her nasal cavity. There was some muffled noise coming from her, I can only guess it was words of gratitude.
TWO’S COMPANY, THREES A CROWD
Imagine three afro jungle bunnies raping a white woman whilst they eat her alive. It’s a Ritual, celebrated to the God of Death, they believe if they don’t calm him by raping white women, a great terror will fall upon them. They use ropes on her arms, legs and mouth to subdue her. She’s almost impaled, and they rape her anal and vaginal territory. She screams and a young afro boy is watching all the action, he enjoys it.
GO FUCK YOURSELF
How many times have your advancements been met with “Go fuck yourself!” Well that’s not very nice so its your duty to teach her some manners and see how she likes fucking herself. Drag the cunt to somewhere private and make a slice round her face with a Stanley knife. Now peel the skin back, rip it off and wear it like a mask as you stick your pleasure in her. No bitch, you go fuck yourself!